The past 6 weeks have been hard. The adjustment to working full-time has been difficult and has made my depression and anxiety flare up, not to mention that I’m exhausted 100% of the time, but it has also been amazing. I love working. I have been learning new things every day, not only about my job and the company, but about myself and the people I work with. My coworkers are so nice and lovely, from the people I smile and nod to, to my boss who is a real mentor to me, to the coworker I feel a deep personal connection with, who has told me (a part of) his life story and challenged everything I think and offered and given me the support I need.
I am so grateful and humbled to be given this opportunity.
I am growing so much. I am learning how to appreciate the little things in life and just be myself. This morning, once I finally got out of bed, I made breakfast and then went on a walk, then came back and went swimming. I sat in the sun and read, and then came inside to take a refreshing shower. I used my new sugar scrubs and soaps and I cannot stop smelling my arms. Last night I was just sitting in bed and feeling the pages of a magazine I already read, thinking about how happy I am that I’m alone; I love having time to myself when I’ve been working all day. I’m living very simply; I don’t have a lot, but at the same time, I have so much. I have books and sun and soap and food; I have a great job and a few people who care about me. In a few more weeks I should be self-sufficient.
Now, that isn’t to say I don’t wake up in the middle of the night with a crushing weight on my chest, or I don’t sit at my desk and stare off into space wondering if I’ll ever feel happy again, wondering if I’m bipolar. I’m too private, I can’t express myself properly, I make mistakes nearly every day, I beat myself up. I’m a royal mess and a fuck up. I don’t have it figured out at all. But life isn’t about feeling happy all of the time. It’s about learning from your mistakes and expanding your mind. It’s about appreciating the moments that you do feel happy, and figuring out life a little bit at a time. Last weekend I took a painting class, because I’d never painted before and I wanted to try something new. It turned out really good (I think)! Probably only because I’m good at following directions, but I’m proud of it. I put it on my desk to remind me to be happy and that I can do cool things.
Friday night I saw my favorite band live. Sigur Rós. It was beyond explanation. The raw emotions that I experienced during that show… amazing. Half the audience was crying. I felt like that feeling is why I am here, why life is worth living. It was definitely a monumental night, one that I hope I never forget. The theater was beautiful, too.
But, there is something else I need to say. Actually, two things. They’ve been weighing on me for a while and I need to let that weight go. I feel the best when I am able to just be myself and be honest with people about it. I am not ashamed of it; I don’t feel guilty; so why do I keep it a secret? The answer is fear. I am done living in fear. It’s really not a big deal anyway. How people react is beyond my control, so out with it already.
- I am attracted to men and women. It feels right. Tell anybody you want; it’s not going to tear my family apart.
- I have left the church, as of a few years now, and probably for good (though I do want to stay open to all possibilities). I cannot stand behind such a sheltered culture, and I do not want to be affiliated with it at this point in my life. It used to be my entire world, and I get why people love it, but it’s not for me right now so I’ve let it go. I still believe there is some higher being out there and that our loved ones who have passed are still with us, but I do not believe that anyone can know the mind of God in total and claim anything to be the One Way To Salvation. I am excited to learn about other theories and approaches to spirituality and life! This article explains it pretty well.