a tiny love poem

All things converge
The thoughts in your head
The sounds in your ears
The letters before your eyes

All things needed will be found
The music, the books
They are here for you now
When your own voice fails

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it’s been a while

“It’s time for me to speak again” – Girl in Pieces

Yes, it’s been a minute. I feel as though I’ve been losing myself a little the past few months. I can hardly recognize myself anymore (nothing new there, I suppose).

I need to start writing again. Perhaps I can remind myself who I am. Writing has always been my creative outlet, something I enjoy and am good at. It’s so satisfying seeing the words splay out in front of me, so easy to come by when the words that come out of my mouth are awkward and mangled. Just bad, bad, bad. I did grow up with a speech impediment. It’s mostly gone now, but my confidence is gone as well, only slowly building. Very slowly.

I still struggle with the same demons; I don’t think they’ll ever leave me. That’s comforting in a way, making recovery that much harder. They just warp themselves to fit into the new dynamic my life takes on. I have a different job now, a relationship, new interests…. I am always changing, expanding, sometimes contracting. But the demons are there, some days fiercer than ever.

New heights, new depths.

I’m a baker at a scratch bakery now. I start at 2am and usually only work 6 or 7 hours a day, but it’s hard, exhausting work. I’m learning a lot and making a lot of mistakes. I’m glad at least that I don’t have to deal with customers. I don’t like people looking at me. I’m afraid they’ll see what I see.

I’m trying to let go a little, be less hard on myself. I know I make things harder for myself than they need to be. I have to just let things be if I’m going to stay sane (enough). I recently learned about the Tao concept of Wu wei. I’m going to start reading up on that, but only if I want to 😉